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Being a working mother is no easy feat. It often feels like trying to juggle a thousand things at once, with constant pressure to excel both at work and at home. In this article, 36-year-old Chrislyn Lee, Conference Producer, and a mum to two-year-old Kyler, recounts her journey of growth that she and her husband experienced, while navigating the challenges that come with balancing a career and motherhood.
As a conference producer, long hours and quick turnarounds were the norm. Chrislyn often found herself torn between wanting to be fully available for last-minute work demands and being present for her son. To make matters worse, it was not only challenging for Chrislyn to apply for leave when Kyler fell sick; she also had to deal with passive-aggressive remarks from the management.
These experiences prompted her to look for a new employer — one that is more family-friendly. Despite not having children of their own, Chrislyn shared that her current bosses value her contributions and are willing to accommodate her needs as a working mother.
“If my boy is sick, I'm given the option to work from home or take the day off and care for him,” she added.
Juggling work and caregiving was something new to the first-time mum.
“Before we became parents, it was common for us to spend hours playing board games with our friends. But everything changed soon after we welcomed Kyler,” Chrislyn shared.
“After the arrival of our son, we felt like we lost our self-identity because we could no longer do the things we love. Most of our time was spent taking care of him. It was challenging because he has severe eczema and often scratched himself till he bled,” she recalled.
“Because of this, we had plenty of sleepless nights. It really took a toll on us – to the point where we no longer knew who we were. It was like our entire life just revolved around Kyler,” she added.
Even though it was evident that caring for their son had started to encroach into their personal lives, it was not until her husband confided in her did Chrislyn realise the impact it had on their well-being.
“One night, he confessed to me that he longer knew what his purpose in life was other than going to work and coming back to care for our son,” she revealed.
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“My pregnancy came as a huge surprise to us because we had been trying for a child for about five years."
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“Prior to becoming a dad, my husband used to be quite free-spirited. His mindset was that if we have a child, great. If we do not, then we will just explore other alternatives like adopting a child or even a fur kid. He was never big on having children. But he knew how badly I wanted a child and went along with it,” she said.
“My pregnancy came as a huge surprise to us because we had been trying for a child for about five years. Naturally, we were overjoyed when we realised it was finally happening. Being the typical kan cheong (Hokkien for overly-excited) parents-to-be, we wasted no time preparing for the new addition to our family!” she recalled with a laugh.
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“In the 10 years we dated, I have never once seen him (my husband) interact with a child. But it was a different story once our son came into the picture!"
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She went on to explain how having come from small families with grown-up children and single siblings, she and her husband could not tap on their respective families for parenting advice.
Determined not to let their background deter them from learning the ropes of parenthood, Chrislyn and her husband joined a Facebook parenting group to learn from other parents.
Challenges aside, she considers herself blessed for having a supportive husband.
“My husband is an extremely hands-on father. It is a huge change considering how he used to be terrified of being around young children. In the 10 years we dated, I have never once seen him interact with a child. But it was a different story Kyler came into the picture!”
“Due to my long and erratic working hours, there were times where my husband had to take on additional responsibilities. However, he has never once made me feel bad about it.”
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“Nobody we have ever spoken to has mentioned being totally prepared for parenthood. You just have to take it one day at a time. Things will fall into place eventually.”
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“As parents, we tend to hyper-fixate on our child and desire to be with them every step of the way. But it can spiral out of control and erode your self-identity very quickly.”
Thankfully, things have started to look up for Chrislyn and her husband. Since the night her husband confided in her, the couple joined WiseJourney, a parenting programme by ParentWise, which she credited for helping them connect with a community of like-minded parents.
They also became more intentional about carving out time for themselves, learning to prioritise self-care and personal fulfilment.
“I used to be quite a perfectionist,” she said. “But I have learnt that it is unrealistic and unhealthy to hold yourself to impossible standards. Nobody we have ever spoken to has mentioned being totally prepared for parenthood. You just have to take it one day at a time. Things will fall into place eventually.”
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“Hearing my boy tell me 'Mama, I love you', is all it takes to remind me that I am more than enough.”
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She added, “If I had to give a piece of advice to new parents, it would be to trust your instincts when it comes to making decisions about your child’s well-being. Celebrate the little wins. Because that will give you the motivation to push through the rough days. For me, hearing Kyler tell me ‘Mama, I love you’, is all it takes to remind me that I am more than enough.”
Published in Dec 2023